Ending therapy during the pandemic…

Today I had my last session with the therapist. I must that say that we’ve known each others for almost 5 years but it was not continuous and I have had three different time intervals and in all of these cases I came to therapy in a quite displaced state. It is hard to describe what is like, what I have learnt and how I feel today in a short post but let me just put few things down that I d like to share…

Everyone has their own reason when and why to start therapy. It can be a conscious choice for self-care or desperate call for someone to rescue us. In my case, eventually, it has become a little bit of both and, it is through that search for the rescue, I found new ways to look after myself…

This, last time, I had more than a year in therapy: leaving my old job, moving city and getting through the first wave of the pandemic – all did feel like I could not have done it all without a support. Therapy is unique as we are. As we all have different journeys in life, different things will become central in the sessions..

I was incredibly lucky to work with someone who understood where part of me might need healing and where I was maybe beating myself up a little. I understood how much we carry from our childhood and that love, in its first form given to us by our parents, can change the way we place ourselves in the world.

During the first wave of the pandemic in the UK, I literally found myself lying on the floor, not really sure what to do and how to possibly realise fully what is happening with the world. Now, as the second wave is literally by our doors, I feel prepared, with tools up my sleeve. I guess that what is really about, about finding tools, what work for you, realising that whatever it is you can work on it and that you are a human being, after all. It is a hard work I must say and part of me decided to face the challenge by getting on my own feet and try to work things out on my own now.

Having my family far away in Russia, building my life abroad with different language, culture, new friends has actually been a challenge and therapy has given me space to realise that and be kind to myself where things are not as smooth as I wish them to be. To be patient and to acknowledge the journey and process with which we go through life. My therapist has given me a chance to see how unique and special our journeys are.

Autumnal walk in Lancaster

However, what I also felt for a while that therapy defined me as a patient, I struggled to let go of the thought that my identity is defined by all the troubles and pain I went through in the past. This can be quite heavy and some can deal with this aspect a little be better than others. Crucially, realising that having therapy is not equivalent of being ill is important for the process, even though sometimes we are truly ill and we need therapist to help our healing. Seeing it as self-care is vital to build good relationships with your therapist too as you move through time together..

It was quite emotional to leave again after my longest period with my therapist. First time she found me during my masters where everything felt like falling and then slowly rebuilding itself. Next in my PhD, when I truly felt like I was losing the ground under my feet and then again, now. I know that I might be back again as life will continue throw challenges that might not always be easy to get through on my own but I am slo happy and excited to give it a go and see how far I can go with my little bag of tools and tricks and resilience that I built during this year…

P.S. I am sure someone may have already written about it this way but autumn this year felt as if I was literally dropping my own leaves, feeling lighter, letting things go… maybe we all feel like that a little, just like the trees…

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