Rebuilding yourself during pandemic…

Pandemic has brought quite a few changes to us, for some of us more than others. How do you get through it? When it all started, I was fairly confused, overwhelmed and had few episodes of weird panic attacks. I had a period of overeating, a period of oversleeping and I even asked my manager to take few weeks off to just realise what is it going on. Because, without a pause, I did not know how one suppose to recollect yourself…

Now, we are in the midst of the second wave. But I do find myself in a very different place. Throughout past six month I literally rebuild myself, or in more honesty, I built, ruined, built again. I have done all sorts of things, starting with going fully alcohol free, picking up yoga ,followed by bodyweight, followed by walks, cooking, reading, breathing, trying different work routines, breaking new habits, starting again, rearranging furniture in the house, rearranging thoughts in my head, working through old guilt and weight on my shoulders…and finally, treating myself to time off away when we could to sum all these up and see where I am now.

A week now since we were back from our trip to warm Sicily, I had time to sit down and look back. We went to the same location we visited last year and oh, how much has changed just in 12 month. Travelling inevitably and always make me to change perspective, whether I want it or not – I change. Accepting that change would take a few days, I would need few new habits or some shaken up but I would feel freer…

Working in pandemic is hard, especially if you have a small space and if you do really care about what you do. It can really start eating you up a little. Since we moved to Lancaster, I realised I have not made any friends yet and as we went into lockdown, my best times of the day is meeting online for work or not but just seeing others and hearing their voice…

I learnt how much I need others and how much I need to be needed by others too, to offer my help, to feel that I can do something not just for myself…

I regained weird energy through working on myself so I can give more to others in my work. Meditation and breathing has been the most impactful but is the hardest because clarity of mind, mindfulness can force one to face things that are very raw, very real and sometimes it is really scary…However, on the positive side, being in the moment offers such peace. Worrying about future or past can be an endless cycle of thoughts putting us into stress and panic but in the present, we just have what we have and we trust.

I am growing to embrace it…and hope that I won’t slip from this…

This week I celebrated 125 days of gratitude. Every single day I write down few things I am grateful for from the day and I can tell now looking back, it does make such a difference. Every day is precious to me, good or bad. I do not want to press button ‘forward’ to pass through it at different speed. Days are suddenly becoming longer, weeks are more fulfilling… Yet, its a hard work of daily routine. Morning reading, yoga, mediation, breakfast with my husband – all of these can make one to start your work day way later but all of these are very important to have a good day. Whats once was a hard work becomes a beatuful habit but its important to give it a time…

If you are starting a similar journey to find yourself or rebuilding yourself in pandemic, closed doors environment, be kind to yourself – do not rush and enjoy the process as it is in the process where we find fulfilment now in the final outcome…Trust that it takes time to build something and keep going 😉

with love,

Ana

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